Just a Note

Yes, it is currently 11:42 pm. And I’m finally posting on the blog, haha. But why am I writing this? I’m not sure if I can answer that question yet. I’m just feeling inspired and there’s something that’s been sitting in my heart the past couple days.

Beforehand: if you haven’t already, please check out my book on barnesandnoble.com! It’s called Starless Skies and Broken Dreams; I am so very thrilled to have seen the project through to the end. It was truly a life-changing experience!

Now we come to the topic of tonight’s impromptu discussion. Looking back on high school, especially in the younger years, I was obsessed with the idea that I was invisible. Not seen. Lonely and alone. I was convinced that I was forgettable among my friends, someone only remembered for her quietude and anxiety. In fact, when my teachers asked the dreaded icebreaker questions in class, one in particular being about superhero powers, I often joked to myself that I had the ability to disappear already.

And if I’m honest, this was a major reason I became involved with learning how to self-publish. I was of course terrified to put my work out there, but I also thought: If I do this, I’ll look accomplished. I’ll be on the same level with some of my friends learning about physics and other incredibly difficult subjects, the same ones attending ivy league colleges and universities. When people look at me, they won’t just see a frightened young woman with too much heart and not enough brain. I’ll matter.

Today, I have neighbors who call out “Hey! You’re the one who wrote the book!”

Or teachers who say, “There’s that author!”

Or friends who hype me up and promote my book when I’m too afraid of being judged as a braggart.

These are not necessarily bad things. On the contrary, I have loved all the support from my family, loved ones, and friends. It’s been so overwhelming to see this love pour in! However, I had to take a step back from all the commotion and really ask myself: what is it that I’m trying to achieve? Why do I have this sinking feeling in my gut?

I came to an answer last week at a church camp (the Encounter Conference at Victory). Even though I could only attend for a single day, I felt chains fall away from my heart. Suddenly I was jumping up and down as the worship songs started, instead of gently clapping along to the music with a reserved smile on my face. I didn’t care who was watching or what they were thinking of me because in that moment, a burden was lifted. God whispered wisdom to me, swaddling me in a calming embrace. And at last, after so long, I finally recognized my worth. My value. Both of which do NOT hinge on my achievements (or lack thereof).

See, I thought I had to measure up to the standards of society in order to have worth and value. But all that gave me were empty promises.

If you publish your book, your crush will be impressed and take a chance on you. (Not true. And besides, why am I wasting time chasing after someone who will never feel the same way? The hopeless romantic in me wants to believe a boy will fall in love with my words, but realistically speaking, I am the only one who ever will. And that’s okay, because this was a book meant– at first– for my eyes only. It was the story I needed, and the same goes for my future works).

If you publish your book, you can prove to the world that you are brave and not silent. (Who says it’s so bad to remain an introvert? To show silent strength? Who told me that it was so wrong to be myself)?

If you publish your book, you won’t feel so lonely. (Writing is solitary by nature. I need to get used to it).

I’m not at all undermining what I did succeed in. I loved my writing journey and am so passionate about the characters and plot in my book. I also fell in love with the theme that spanned all 225 pages. But I am so much more than my victories, than my losses. I am, for example, obsessed with Pride and Prejudice (both the book and the movies make me cry). I have a love for all animals but especially dogs, like my own, who I honestly believe is a miracle (my fur allergies made me lose hope). I am competitive and passionate, and I’m outgoing when you take the time to get to know me. Sometimes I speak really fast when I’m nervous, and I struggle with a lot of anxiety, but I’m working through it every single day with the Lord’s help. I hate talking about myself with other people because it feels like I’m being conceited. My family is not picture perfect but I love them so much, and my friends are such a blessing in my life. I drink tea mostly every day, my favorite color is sky blue, I am attempting to learn the piano. But most of all–

I am me, created wonderfully in every way, in spite of all the flaws and struggles.

And you are so wonderfully you.

In the meantime, look out world, there’s a new Sophia in town.

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